Tuesday, September 14, 2010

T-minus 23 Days Until Alaska

It will take me twelve hours to get to Fairbanks, Alaska. With 2 stops and a 6 hour layover. 23 days left in Minnesota... I haven't counted them until just now so i could say so in this blog. 23 days...

I scanned the list, "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind," quickly last night. Obviously this list isn't for scanning, but i didn't have the patience to reflect just yet. "23 days" as a repeating thought in my head right now reminds me of this question:

"If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?"

It may seem a little intense, but I'm sure you can see how it relates. Although its flipped, and I am the die-er... Although I am surely not dieing, (Um, i hope.. planes are scary!). But I am leaving, for what I'm sure at first, is gonna feel like a long time. (I will be gone for 7 months at least.)

Point being, with only a few weeks left, what should i do? Who should i see?

Unfortunately, on top of this, i have been boxing myself in lately, isolating myself. I have a 3 month old, and at 22 years old, when the only thing i have known the past 3 years (up until i got pregnant) has been partying, bullshitting, drinking. I have forgotten, temporarily, how to relate to the world, now that i have a baby. And relating to my peers (friends) has been really hard for me as well. I don't know if in reality it's hard to relate, or if it's all in my head... if that makes sense.

All in all, as a self-isolating nut with a [slight] case of baby blues.. how do i do, and see all of the things and people i need to do and see before i leave?

To evolve from this thought, after thinking a while, maybe I don't really want to see everyone, and maybe I don't really need to do anything. (I have been here for 22 years, in minnesota, there shouldn't be much left to do.) If it sounds to hard to leave the house, with my 3 month old, maybe I shouldn't leave the house.

Back to our question, as i have revised it. If I were going to die tomorrow, who would I see, and what would I do today? I stand at a fork in the road. Should i strive to revisit the places i have been that i won't see for a while, to see all of the people I have been involved with in my past? To revisit those memories? Am i really ready to move on?

Or should i sit, and wait. Meditate and pack my bags? Am i ready to leave it all behind?

This is my first time leaving the nest, I am holding on tightly to my past.. to people. It's really hard to think that i won't be here, to ask, how was your day? To see you greet me at your door when i stop by. To see you smile...

I don't want anyone to doubt my love for them.. to doubt that i have cherished our times together, and look forward to our times together in the future. But for now, I think I need to somehow figure out how to let go...

23 days. Tick-tock.. Tick-tock..


  1. You are in our hearts. Many memories have been created. You seem to be following the path that is meant for you. Our support is with you with the decisions that face you currently and those in your future.